Driving down Highway 1 towards the coast, my heart is fuller than I can ever remember it being. With my three best friends surrounding me, I am on my way to my comfort place. The music is on full blast because I don’t need directions; I know this town better than I know myself. As I roll down all four windows, the smell of the fresh, salty air is as comforting as a hug from my mother. It is familiar, warm and just what I need.

We reach the coast and spend most of our day talking in circles on the beach. This is the only day this month that we will all be in town. I take in the salty sea smell, the sounds of birds and waves crashing, bicyclists ringing their bells, and distant music playing in various cars as they pass by with all their windows rolled down. But mostly I take in the faces of my friends.

Collectively our attention is drawn to the dozen or so surfers stretched out in the tide below us. We start picking favorites, routing for ours to be the one to successfully ride all the way to shore. As the sun starts fading from its high point in the sky, one of my friends checks her phone and announces we have been sitting for two hours without moving. Our thoughts return to us slowly, and with that our stomachs start growling, our butts ache from the log we have been propped up on, and exhaustion from laying in the sun finally hits. But none of us move.

As we watched the sunset with our feet hanging off the cliff and swimsuits still damp, it seemed like the colors were telling a story just for us. We discuss dinner options and start the walk back to my car parked in one of the neighborhoods behind us as slowly as we can. This is what I always look to get out of coming to the water: getting my mind off everything else. Santa Cruz has always felt like that friend who emits radiance and pure, uninterrupted joy. Their bright smile and all-consuming laugh draws everyone in. They stop to point out everything they find beautiful and it makes you want to see the world through their eyes. And it works every single time. It is as if a cloud shields me from feeling anxious or being stressed. I can be present and simply exist as myself with people I adore in a place I have known and loved my whole life.

This small, coastal town reunites me with a part of myself that I thought I lost when I lost my mom. While I love sharing a day with my closest friends on the cliffside, I also go to Santa Cruz to feel close to my mom. This was her place before it was ever mine.

One of the hardest parts of coping with her death is feeling like I only understand her in her absence. I was 16 years old when she died. My brother was 12. At those ages, the world felt impossible. It still feels impossible, and I think it always will. It’s hard to feel like your future is right in front of you when there are so many things holding you back and making you feel like you are not good enough. At 16, I thought I knew everything. Now, I feel like I know nothing. But in all of the changes in my life, Santa Cruz has always been consistent.

When my mom died, I forced myself to continue to go to the coast. I can still feel her there. It makes me feel less alone and helps me feel like I know more than I probably do. I’m still 16 years old in my heart, waiting for my mom to come home from the hospital and my brother is still 12. While I know this is not true, I know that Santa Cruz still feels the same as when we were four and eight. It is a place where she belonged and a place that belonged to her. Now it is the only place I go to talk to her.

I have an amazing group of friends in my life and for that I am very lucky. But I didn’t always have friends and as a kid my immediate family was the closest connection I had. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I have been through, and I still struggle with her absence every single day. Even while surrounded by those I hold dearest, I sometimes still feel excruciatingly lonely, but I know that I can no longer just stare at my wounds and sit in my pain forever. If you are feeling down or are in a dark place that is normal. But let your friends help you out of your hole – you would do the same for them.

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The Future of Connection for Women